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The Bad Hockey Card Blog

   This is a fun little project I have been wanting to do for a long time. It really has nothing to do with the league except to give people one more reason to stop by the site on a weekly basis and perhaps provide some comic relief, which is much needed as we know that rec ball hockey is generally some pretty serious shit!

   There is no shortage of terrible hockey cards out there and I am the not-so-proud owner of a bunch of them. So with that said, over the coming weeks and months, I will be marching out numerous examples of photographic misdeeds, oddities and downright "What were they thinking?" moments that should prove quite entertaining.

   


February 10th, 2014



Just Barely There

   This is one of the all-timers! Never before or since has such a small percentage of a player constituted a hockey card before. They nearly had to send in Chuck Norris because this guy is almost missing in action. I truly wonder how this card came to pass, but I am just thankful that it somehow does exist!




February 6th, 2014



Too Cool For School #2

   "I feel the need...the need...for speed!" No this isn't Maverick and Goose, it's Darius Kasparitis and Vladimir Malakhov. They fooled you with those shades didn't they? Something about Young Guns or Star Rookies photo shoots make the people at Upper Deck get a little tight in the pants. For this checklist they have put these kids in sunglasses because, you know, shades equals coolness. Which is true, except for when it's an indoor, staged photo session. That's when shades cross that invisible line from coolness to douchebaggery. The more you know...




February 3rd, 2014



Did Kevin Dineen's Dog Just Die?

   This is seriously the saddest I've ever seen a player look on any hockey card ever. I don't know what's wrong, Kevin, but it's all going to be okay.




January 30th, 2014



Terrible Logo Censorship #2

   If you thought that last logo desecration was bad, then feast your eyes on this atrocity! This comes from a brand called Gold Standard. In spite of that name which evokes a real sense of quality, I can assure you that this is pretty much the rock bottom of any professional card set in the hockey world. The absolute gutter! But back to the card, which features three black lines vaguely reminiscent, yet not at all doing the job of replacing the Flyers logo. I honestly can't figure out why they went through all the effort when it would have been far less laughable to simply leave it blank. Back to the gutter with you!




January 27th, 2014



Terrible Logo Censorship #1

   Some card companies can't afford to pay the league for the rights to the team logos. That gives these companies a bit of a problem, particularly when taking photos of players that are constantly wearing the jerseys of those teams. That quandary led the makers of this Signature Rookies set into some truly horrific logo censorship attempts. Not only is the old Canuck skate not fully covered by what looks like Jupiter's Great Red Spot, but you can actually see right through the damn thing! Look for the second part of the logo fiasco in the next entry.




January 23rd, 2014



...And That's When The Nuclear Bomb Went Off

   If you're thinking that I tweaked this picture to further overexpose it, I can assure you that it wasn't necessary. This is how the card actually comes, believe it or not. There's also a picture of Calvin on the back in a different pose. Unfortunately the camera was on the same setting for that pic as well. That setting was Supernova.




January 20th, 2014



I'm a Goalie, DON'T SHOOT!

   We all know that back in the day goaltender masks weren't quite up to the standards they are today. With that said, I didn't know things were so bad that a goalie had to cringe every time a puck came his way. Either that or this is a picture of a Bruins player about to tomahawk the goalie in the head with his stick. This was the 70's after all, and that sort of thing did tend to happen on occasion. 




January 16th, 2014



Terrible Mug Shot Hockey Cards

   As I take a look at the picture on this hockey card, I am reminded that cocaine is a hell of a drug. The good news is that it was a real time saver using his mug shot to double as his player photo. I'm sure this pic also works equally well for a driver's license or passport photo.




January 13th, 2014



A Horrible Reminder From The Past

   When I came across this Skybox Impact set and saw the NHL on Fox tie-in subset, I cringed in a terrible way. Nightmares of glowing blue pucks and dancing animated robots surged through my memory. And let's not forget about the fact that Fox felt they had to try to explain the most basic concepts in the game of hockey to the American demographic at the moron level. Check out the little tidbit on the card back that explains what an assist is! I mean what the fuck?! Please excuse me...I've got to go break something!






January 9th, 2014



Girl Talk

   Oh, when those girls get together for a sleepover they do tend to gossip. I wonder if they're dishing on who the hot new guys are at school. But poor Mike Gartner feels a little left out of the girl talk between Bourque and Oates. Those silly girls are so cliquey!




January 7th, 2014



Refractor Madness!

   As hockey card technology began to evolve in the early 90's, card companies ventured into increasingly more extravagant designs, stamping foil on everything they could and using holograms and such. That brings us to this next monstrosity by a company called Collector's Edge. I believe they call this particular technology holoprism or some shit like that. Sadly, one can't get the full effect unless it's directly in your hand under real light, causing you to burn out your retinas. Nevertheless, this is a decent representation of what happens when a card maker goes mad with power.




January 2nd, 2014



Jaromir Jagr, Male Model

   Here's Jaromir Jagr, practicing for his centerfold. The ladies love this guy! Of course judging by the group that often follows him around from game to game called The Traveling Jagrs, so do some guys. Incidentally, that Upper Deck patch on his jacket looks to be airbrushed on, a detail that isn't particularly noticeable when the image is card size. That's pretty dirty, and seems a little Lower Deck, if you ask me.




December 30th, 2013



When The Zoom Lens Gets Left At Home

   Sometimes you get odd things with team sets provided by junior clubs. Case in point, this Tacoma Rockets set that was photographed from the parking lot. Or perhaps from Seattle. More than likely the photographer, professional or not, just didn't have the right zoom lens, thus leaving us a card in which the subject takes up only about 8% of the card. That's fine though, as it makes you feel like you're actually at the game...in the cheap seats.




December 26th, 2013



Protecting the Family Jewels

   A dude's junk must be protected. We know this. However, having the big moment etched into eternity on a hockey card seen by millions is probably not the ideal situation. Oh well, live and learn. Curiously, this picture earned Paul Broten an invitation to tryout with several pro soccer teams. Weird!




December 23rd, 2013



Bad Santa

   With Christmas almost upon us, it seems like the perfect time to whip out this beauty. Yes, Santa is making his list and checking it twice in order to figure out which naughty kids to give the shittiest presents to. Yep, those are Pro Set cards going into Santa's gift sack, the cheapest, lowest quality hockey cards of all-time. The one on the right is from a set called Musicards that Pro Set put out for some reason, this one featuring Bell Biv Devoe. Santa himself is proudly wearing a Pro Set hat as well, making one wonder how he could possibly be on the payroll of the worst major card company to have ever existed. In spite of this atrocity, try to have a Merry Christmas.



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