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The Bad Hockey Card Blog
This is a fun little project I have been wanting to do for a long time.
It really has nothing to do with the league except to give people one more reason to stop by the site on a weekly basis and perhaps provide some comic
relief, which is much needed as we know that rec ball hockey is generally some
pretty serious shit!
There is no shortage of terrible hockey cards out there and I am the not-so-proud owner of a bunch of them.
So with that said, over the coming weeks and months, I will be marching out
numerous examples of photographic misdeeds, oddities and downright "What were they
thinking?" moments that should prove quite entertaining.
February 10th, 2014
Just Barely There
This is one of the all-timers! Never before or since has such a
small percentage of a player constituted a hockey card before. They nearly had
to send in Chuck Norris because this guy is almost missing in action. I truly
wonder how this card came to pass, but I am just thankful that it somehow does
February 6th, 2014
Too Cool For School #2
"I feel the need...the need...for speed!" No this isn't
Maverick and Goose, it's Darius Kasparitis and Vladimir Malakhov. They fooled
you with those shades didn't they? Something about Young Guns or Star Rookies
photo shoots make the people at Upper Deck get a little tight in the pants. For
this checklist they have put these kids in sunglasses because, you know, shades
equals coolness. Which is true, except for when it's an indoor, staged photo
session. That's when shades cross that invisible line from coolness to
douchebaggery. The more you know...
February 3rd, 2014
Did Kevin Dineen's Dog Just Die?
This is seriously the saddest I've ever seen a player look on any
hockey card ever. I don't know what's wrong, Kevin, but it's all going to be
January 30th, 2014
Terrible Logo Censorship #2
If you thought that last logo desecration was bad, then feast your
eyes on this atrocity! This comes from a brand called Gold Standard. In spite of
that name which evokes a real sense of quality, I can assure you that this is
pretty much the rock bottom of any professional card set in the hockey world.
The absolute gutter! But back to the card, which features three black lines
vaguely reminiscent, yet not at all doing the job of replacing the Flyers logo. I honestly can't
figure out why they went through all the effort when it would have been far less
laughable to simply leave it blank. Back to the gutter with you!
January 27th, 2014
Terrible Logo Censorship #1
Some card companies can't afford to pay the league for the rights
to the team logos. That gives these companies a bit of a problem, particularly
when taking photos of players that are constantly wearing the jerseys of those
teams. That quandary led the makers of this Signature Rookies set into some
truly horrific logo censorship attempts. Not only is the old Canuck skate not
fully covered by what looks like Jupiter's Great Red Spot, but you can actually
see right through the damn thing! Look for the second part of the logo fiasco in
the next entry.
January 23rd, 2014
...And That's When The Nuclear Bomb Went Off
If you're thinking that I tweaked this picture to further
overexpose it, I can assure you that it wasn't necessary. This is how the card
actually comes, believe it or not. There's also a picture of Calvin on the back in a different pose.
Unfortunately the camera was on the same setting for that pic as well. That
setting was Supernova.
January 20th, 2014
I'm a Goalie, DON'T SHOOT!
We all know that back in the day goaltender masks weren't quite up to the standards they are today. With
I didn't know things were so bad that a goalie had to cringe every time a puck
came his way. Either that or this is a picture of a Bruins player about to
tomahawk the goalie in the head with his stick. This was the 70's after all, and
that sort of thing did tend to happen on occasion.
January 16th, 2014
Terrible Mug Shot Hockey Cards
As I take a look at the picture on this hockey card, I am reminded
that cocaine is a hell of a drug. The good news is that it was a real time saver
using his mug shot to double as his player photo. I'm sure this pic also works
equally well for a driver's license or passport photo.
January 13th, 2014
A Horrible Reminder From The Past
When I came across this Skybox Impact set and saw the NHL on
Fox tie-in subset, I cringed in a terrible way. Nightmares of glowing blue pucks
and dancing animated robots surged through my memory. And let's not forget about
the fact that Fox felt they had to try to explain the most basic concepts in the
game of hockey to the American demographic at the moron level. Check out the little tidbit on
the card back that explains what an assist is! I mean what the fuck?! Please
excuse me...I've got to go break something!
January 9th, 2014
Oh, when those girls get together for a sleepover they do tend to
gossip. I wonder if they're dishing on who the hot new guys are at school. But
poor Mike Gartner feels a little left out of the girl talk between Bourque and
Oates. Those silly girls are so cliquey!
January 7th, 2014
As hockey card technology began to evolve in the early 90's, card
companies ventured into increasingly more extravagant designs, stamping foil on
everything they could and using holograms and such. That brings us to this next
monstrosity by a company called Collector's Edge. I believe they call this
particular technology holoprism or some shit like that. Sadly, one can't get the full
effect unless it's directly in your hand under real light, causing you to burn
out your retinas. Nevertheless, this is a decent representation of what happens
when a card maker goes mad with power.
January 2nd, 2014
Jaromir Jagr, Male Model
Here's Jaromir Jagr, practicing for his centerfold. The ladies love
this guy! Of course judging by the group that often follows him around from game
to game called The Traveling Jagrs, so do some guys. Incidentally, that Upper
Deck patch on his jacket looks to be airbrushed on, a detail that isn't
particularly noticeable when the image is card size. That's pretty dirty, and
seems a little Lower Deck, if you ask me.
December 30th, 2013
When The Zoom Lens Gets Left At Home
Sometimes you get odd things with team sets provided by junior
clubs. Case in point, this Tacoma Rockets set that was photographed from the
parking lot. Or perhaps from Seattle. More than likely the photographer,
professional or not, just didn't have the right zoom lens, thus leaving us a
card in which the subject takes up only about 8% of the card. That's fine
though, as it makes you feel like you're actually at the game...in the cheap
December 26th, 2013
Protecting the Family Jewels
A dude's junk must be protected. We know this. However, having the
big moment etched into eternity on a hockey card seen by millions is probably
not the ideal situation. Oh well, live and learn. Curiously, this picture earned
Paul Broten an invitation to tryout with several pro soccer teams. Weird!
December 23rd, 2013
With Christmas almost upon us, it seems like the perfect time to
whip out this beauty. Yes, Santa is making his list and checking it twice in
order to figure out which naughty kids to give the shittiest presents to. Yep,
those are Pro Set cards going into Santa's gift sack, the cheapest, lowest
quality hockey cards of all-time. The one on the right is from a set called
Musicards that Pro Set put out for some reason, this one featuring Bell Biv
Devoe. Santa himself is proudly wearing a Pro Set hat as well, making one wonder
how he could possibly be on the payroll of the worst major card company to have
ever existed. In spite of this atrocity, try to have a Merry Christmas.