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The Bad Hockey Card Blog

   This is a fun little project I have been wanting to do for a long time. It really has nothing to do with the league except to give people one more reason to stop by the site on a weekly basis and perhaps provide some comic relief, which is much needed as we know that rec ball hockey is generally some pretty serious shit!

   There is no shortage of terrible hockey cards out there and I am the not-so-proud owner of a bunch of them. So with that said, over the coming weeks and months, I will be marching out numerous examples of photographic misdeeds, oddities and downright "What were they thinking?" moments that should prove quite entertaining.

   


May 26th, 2014



Where's Waldo?

   This has to be the busiest hockey card I ever did see. There are parts of seven different players (and a camera man) jammed into this single frame. Steven Finn is sort of visible in this one, at least more so than the others, so by default he's the guy that ended up with his name on it. Many years from now he will be able to proudly show this card to his grandkids and say "That was me in that picture. That one. There." He may have to point.




May 22nd, 2014



Great Hairstyles of the 80's

   I really like this picture. Of course, I was also a big fan of the 80's new wave group A Flock Of Seagulls. Hmmm...maybe there's some correlation there. In any case, he wasn't the only one to have a weird 'do in that decade, but most of them didn't end up on the front of hockey cards. He can consider himself fortunate that this was a junior card produced by card manufacturing powerhouse 7th Inning Sketch, so almost nobody actually saw it.




May 19th, 2014



A Minor Adjustment

   Let's face it, sometimes when you play hockey, you need to adjust your crotch. Once again I am left scratching my head as to why any card manufacturer would look at this and say "Yep, that's the picture we should run with". I kind of get an impression of a J. Jonah Jameson type character ranting in some office at his employees, "THERE'S NOT ENOUGH CROTCH, DAMMIT, WE NEED MORE CROTCH!!!", and voilą!




May 15th, 2014



We Are Not Amused!

   Here Gump Worsley makes a case for changing his name to Grump. Of course you'd probably be upset too if your name was Gump. Mind you that wasn't his real name. His actual first name was Lorne. Yes...so much better.




May 12th, 2014



Mmmm...Delicious Chin Straps

   Both of these guys also happen to be playing for the Blues. What gives? Is this the way the cool kids are wearing them in St. Louis? My guess is that it's part of the team's new coaching philosophy. A philosophy that may have started with the phrase "Boys, this year we're going to play with some bite!", and then things just got weird from there.




May 8th, 2014



The Most Exhausting Card In History

   Fighting can be a fairly tiring activity, but I didn't think it was THIS tiring! Igor Ulanov and Valeri Kamensky, who aren't particularly known for this sort of thing, look like they've just gone twelve rounds, and then some. Just looking at this scene gets me all tuckered out. I think I'll take a nap...




May 5th, 2014



Yes, Women Have Bad Hockey Cards Too!

   We're not sexist here. I'm a firm believer in women's rights. Particularly a woman's right to make a fool of herself on a hockey card! Hopefully her teeth still look that nice after she's done gnawing through that Glass-Carbon-Epoxy Matrix (Oh, how stick companies love their techno-babble!) hockey stick.




May 1st, 2014



 "Hairbrushed"

   We've seen the airbrushing treatment on several cards so far. But up until now, it's been reserved for the player's jerseys and equipment. However on this little beauty, Rick Vaive has had the honour of having his hair perfectly coiffed...by O-Pee-Chee. Maybe they thought Rick was going to be the original Sydney Crosby and be an NHL marketing darling. The whole thing seems just a tad unnecessary, but then again when get into the "terrible hairstyles of the 70's" entries, perhaps this will make more sense.




April 28th, 2014



Hello? Is There Someone In There?

   The first Upper Deck series was a landmark achievement in the world of hockey cards that in my opinion has yet to be surpassed. However, they did make one glaring mistake, rushing into production a line of holograms that weren't exactly functional. You had to get the light on them just right to make it work, and even then the results were underwhelming. You can definitely see something lurking there in the darkness. It could be Wayne Gretzky or it might be Jason Voorhees. It's tough to tell.




April 24th, 2014



The Missing Link

   When I first saw this card I thought it was a joke. Perhaps some internet meme that I didn't quite understand. After doing some checking, I can tell you this hockey card actually exists. The infamous Link Gaetz, one of the craziest and most feared men in all of sports history, raised chickens and was quite successful at it. Therefore Pinnacle, for some reason I haven't figured out yet, made a card about it. Oh, and if you have any doubts about his infamy, I urge you to do a little reading on the man. The list of crazy things he did is beyond frightening.




April 21st, 2014



Sometimes It's Tough Being a Panther

   This is a public service announcement to anyone considering buying an old school Florida Panthers jerseys. Don't! They are, in fact, so ugly that people will try to tear them straight off of your body as in these documented cases below.




April 17th, 2014



Cowabunga, Dudes!

   The members of the 1992 All-Rookie team were rounded up and brought to a photo session so that UD could use this pretty cool motion capture technique. Well, at least it was cool as long as you didn't perform some moronic stunt on your turn as Gilbert Dionne ended up doing. The rest of the guys in the set received more traditional action shots such as taking a slap shot that turned out okay (though Hasek's was another oddity we may get to later). I wonder if they actually told him to do this move to try to create a different look. If so, remember kids...just say NO!




April 14th, 2014



Man Of Action, Part Deux

   I know you thought those last two Trevor Linden cards were a thrill ride, but just take a look at the frenzy of action going on in this entry! Yep, that's him sitting there like a...like a...well, like a bump on a log. Here's hoping the Canucks can live up to the level of excitement under the Trevor Linden regime that fans were treated to when this Leaf set came out!




April 10th, 2014



Trevor Linden: Man Of Action!

   In honour of Trevor Linden's appointment as the Canucks' new President of Hockey Operations, I have put together this entry of him in action...so to speak. Of course, the problem with the pictures on these cards was that they were taken with him in the prime of his NHL playing career, not with the team's front office or even after his playing days when he was an entrepreneur. Does anybody actually want to see a player lounging around at home, talking on the phone or paying bills? Didn't think so.




April 7th, 2014



Full Body Removal

   Why stick a player's head on another man's body when you could just have it floating there in space? Because it's creepy as hell, that's why not! And what's with the period behind Stan's first name? Was this foreshadowing for an email address that was to come in another thirty years or so? I also can't help but look at the similarities between Stan Mikita and Leonard Nimoy. The resemblance is uncanny!



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